A Tender Memory
by deemarie1a
Summary: Sirius finds a journal. Part 1 of the Memory Trilogy.


A/N - The characters and settings are the property of JKR, Bloomsbury Press, Scholastic Press, Warner Brothers, you know, all the usual suspects. I have just borrowed them for a little while, humbly and gratefully. This is a short story. I want this to stand alone.  
  
This story is dedicated to CLR because you inspire me, affectionately DMB.  
  
A Tender Memory  
  
By DeeMarie  
  
Sirius Black couldn't sleep. He was still wound up from the little adventure he and his best friends, James Potter, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew had embarked upon that evening. They had snuck through the tunnel to Honeydukes and raided its stores. Pockets full, they had been laughing and enjoying their adventure until nearly caught and given away by Peeves the poltergeist. It was a narrow escape, and if caught they would surely have gotten expelled.  
  
The tension had gotten to his companions and they fell into and exhausted sleep. The adrenalin had not subsided for Sirius. He was restless, tossing and turning for the better part of an hour before deciding to get up. He grabbed a book and headed to the common room.  
  
The puffy wing chair by the fire was his favorite. He headed toward it. Before he sat he stoked the fire. He sat with his legs slung over the arm, his back to the fire to give illumination to what he was reading. Just as he had gotten comfortable, he felt something poke him in the small of his back. He reached behind and pulled. It was a journal, stuck between the cushion and the arm of the chair. It was plain, no name on its black leather cover.  
  
He'd never seen it before. Sirius opened it to see if the owner's name was inside. There was none. The script on the first page was elegant. Quite the loveliest handwriting he'd ever seen. Not flowery nor exceptionally plain, but even and flowing, there were no blots of ink. Before he could stop himself he began to read.  
  
"Moonlight made the snow look as if it were dusted with diamonds. The wind blew fine crystals across the landscape, dancing a pretty gavotte that mid-winter night. Justine was reluctant to disturb the ballet of light and snowflakes. Reynold was waiting for her. Reynold whose dancing brown eyes had captured her soul the moment he had gazed in her direction. Reynold whose voice caused her heart to leap each time he spoke. Reynold who with merely a glance had seduced her into losing her natural reserve and made her a wanton woman."  
  
Sirius had to stop. This was powerful imagery. He saw the picture described vividly. His response had startled him. He had to read more. Taking a deep breath he continued reading. He spent hours in the chair he couldn't stop. The story was mesmerizing. Loss, heartache, pain so real, so truly written, there were tears in his eyes. The story stirred something deep inside him.  
  
His body had given out before his desire to finish had and he fell asleep. A hand gently shaking him awake roused him. "You're gonna ache something awful if you stay here all night, Padfoot." James had woken thirsty and not seeing his friend in bed, had trod quietly to the common room.  
  
"What time is it?" Sirius yawned.  
  
"4 am. You can get a good two hours in yet. Come on." Sirius stood; the two books that he had held fell to the floor with a thud. He quickly snatched them up and followed James back to their dormitory. Before climbing into his bed, he tucked the journal into his rucksack. He would find the author in the morning and return it to whoever it was. Sirius would then ask if he might be able to continue reading those wonderful words as a reward.  
  
Sirius was sure the author was one of the girls in 6th or 7th year. The words were too mature for anyone younger and the story was definitely from a woman's perspective. The heroine had been described as a dark-haired, dark-eyed beauty. He scanned the table over breakfast. There were four older girls who fit the description. He dismissed two of them immediately, since he knew all four. They were too vapid to have written something so eloquent. He stared intently at the two remaining candidates.  
  
"Planning your next conquest, Padfoot?" Remus had broken through his thoughts. A little embarrassed, which was unusual for him, he laughed lightly.  
  
"Yeah. It's been too long since I broke up with Lydia. Two weeks too long. Can't decide if I want to chat up Demeter Wise or Margaret Baker."  
  
"Going for an older woman, now?" James had joined the conversation.  
  
"There's something to be said for maturity," he joked. "I think I might like intelligence and creativity this time." He was smiling as he said it, but his mind was niggling him. "So, who do you think fits the criteria, Prongs? Which of those two do you think could, let's say, write a really good story."  
  
James had a puzzled expression on his face. Sirius knew he was thinking that he usually chose his lady of the moment for her looks, not her brain. That had been all he wanted up to now to be sure. But the real reason he had broken up with Lydia was that she couldn't hold a decent conversation with him. To his surprise, he had found that intelligence was becoming as important to him as beauty.  
  
That had everything to do with Lily Evans, he supposed. James had taken a fancy to the green-eyed red head. Sirius had watched their growing interest and found he was jealous of their byplay even though Lily wouldn't consider dating James. Lily didn't interest him at all, besides he would never interfere with anyone James liked. It was only a matter of time before they were together. Yet there was something to be said for a relationship that engaged the mind as well as the body.  
  
"Well, Margaret is smart," Peter Pettigrew piped in, "but she's pedantic. Demeter is more creative. I can't see her writing." The three companions stared at the small blond boy. "Don't look at me like that. I've talked to them in the common room. They asked about the two of you. It's your reputations."  
  
So Demeter is the one, he thought. He decided to seek her out during lunch and see if the journal was hers. He needed to finish reading the story. There was still 20 minutes before class. Sirius wolfed down his food and letting his friends know he would see them in class, bolted from the Great Hall. There was more to the story than he anticipated he hadn't finished by lunch. Well, if she wasn't concerned about her loss, she certainly didn't seem that way, then she could wait until after dinner, perhaps before she went to bed. He would see her in the common room.  
  
Sirius huddled in a dark corner of the library and with his wand illuminating the text, completed the story. It had drained his emotions. As each section ended he hungered for more. Every raw emotion was evocatively written and touched a part of him he never knew existed. Who would have thought that Demeter understood so much of life?  
  
Sirius entered the common room. He passed the notice board. Something caught his eye. There was a note posted with handwriting that had become as familiar to him as his own.  
  
'If anyone has found a black leather journal, please contact Dorian MacDonald.'  
  
So that was the author. The name was not familiar. Wonder what year she was? He saw Demeter heading for her dorm.  
  
"Demeter!" the girl turned to him. "Demeter, do you know Dorian MacDonald?"  
  
"Dorian? Yes, she's a 7th year. Why do you want to know?"  
  
"No reason, really. Could you see if she's in her dorm? I really need to speak to her." Demeter looked askance at Sirius, shrugged her shoulders and went up the stairs. Sirius' heart began to pound. He was going to meet her, how had he overlooked her? The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs brought him up short.  
  
A plump, round-faced girl stood before him. Her hair was short, a mass of unruly dark brown curls. She wore thick glasses, which magnified her walnut colored eyes. Her nose was petite and her lips were full. She was only an inch or two shorter than he. There was a puzzled look on her face.  
  
"Demeter told me you wanted to see me?" Her voice was low, a little husky.  
  
"Erm....yes, I believe I've found your journal." Her face lit up with a smile. She was almost pretty, he thought.  
  
"You have? Oh thank goodness. I thought I'd lost it forever. I have some very private thoughts in there. May I have it please?" She held out her hand.  
  
Sirius really felt guilty now. Still, he handed her the book. "I liked your story," he said simply. He knew he shouldn't have admitted to reading it, but with Dorian somehow he felt he should be honest. Her expression tore his heart to shreds.  
  
Her mouth had opened and her lips trembled. Her eyebrows had drawn up and tears sprang to her eyes. "You didn't! That was private! How dare you!" Dorian snatched the book from his hand. Then she slapped him hard across the face. He deserved it. It was private and he had invaded her privacy. She turned to go but Sirius grabbed her arm. She tried to pull away.  
  
"Please, Dorian let me apologize! I didn't realize it was so personal. That's all I read though," he let her go.  
  
"Well you should have realized. Everyone's right about you. You're too full of yourself. The great Sirius Black. Too good for anyone else, an island unto himself. Rules are not for him. He's above all that!  
  
"Bugger off, Black. It will take more than a half-hearted apology for me to ever forgive you. And for your information, that story was one of my most private thoughts." Her words stung him, more than that, ripped him apart. "God save me from stupid 5th years!" Dorian muttered as she left Sirius standing there. Sirius turned to leave. There weren't many students there, a dozen at most, and they were all staring at him. He took a look at each face.  
  
"Sod off, the lot of you," he shouted. He ran to his dorm.  
  
The next few days, everywhere he went, Dorian seemed to be there. He'd never noticed her before. More than once, she caught him looking at her; she would sniff indignantly and turn her nose up in the air. Word had gotten around and many of his fellow Gryffindors stopped speaking to him. He was miserable. He wanted to apologize, make it up to her. He couldn't figure out how to do that. James, Remus and Peter were still speaking to him but barely.  
  
It was Saturday. Sirius had been ostracized for four long days. He knew he had to do something about this. He'd asked Remus for advice. Remus always seemed to have the answer. This time Remus told him he had to figure it out for himself.  
  
He was coming down the stairs heading for breakfast when he saw Dorian walk out of the castle. He followed her. He had to set thing right. She was leading him around the lake. Sirius stayed well back. He had to catch her alone. He saw where she was going. There was an old unused boathouse on the far side of the lake.  
  
He hid behind the corner of the boathouse waiting for Dorian to settle. She sat under a tree close to the lakeshore and pulled her journal, ink and quill out. Her back was to him. She touched the quill to her lip and leaned back thinking. He came around the corner of the boathouse.  
  
"Dorian," startled, she jumped up.  
  
"You! What do you want? Not satisfied reading my private stuff? You want to disturb my peace here?"  
  
"No, Dorian, you've got it all wrong."  
  
"Wrong? Tell me what I've got wrong, Black. Why would you want to seek me out?"  
  
"To apologize." Dorian stood there with her mouth open. "Really, I want to apologize and explain." Dorian's eyes narrowed, her lips set in a thin line. "Honestly, Dorian, I really am sorry. I didn't intend to pry. I was only looking to see if your name was on the diary. I couldn't help reading the first few lines of the story. It captured my attention. I couldn't stop. It was beautiful. I had to finish it. I've never read a story like it."  
  
"Is that the truth?"  
  
"Yes. Honestly, I couldn't stop myself. I swear that's all I read."  
  
Dorian's eyebrow went up. "You really liked it?"  
  
"More than you know."  
  
Dorian thought for a moment. Still wary, she said, "Apology accepted." They stood staring at each other for just a moment. "What did you like about it?"  
  
"Let's sit and talk, Dorian."  
  
They sat and talked for quite a while. Sirius told her how the emotions behind her writing were so true that they amazed him. Dorian blushed. Sirius smiled. They barely made it back in time for lunch. Sirius had enjoyed their time together. It was nice to talk to her; there was no pressure on his part to be charming. Dorian was intelligent and had a wry sense of humor. By the end of the day, Sirius was back in everyone's good graces, everyone had seen how they had reconciled their differences.  
  
Over the next few days, Dorian and Sirius would greet each other in the halls or share a quick word between classes. Sirius found himself seeking out her company. He liked the way she could get him to laugh or provoke an interesting conversation.  
  
Saturday was quickly approaching. Sirius found Dorian in the library. "Dorian," she smiled up at him. "Are you going to the boathouse Saturday morning?"  
  
"Its usually where I go to write. I'll be there."  
  
"Would you mind if I stopped by?"  
  
"Of course not. If you get some free time, stop, please. I'll be glad of the company."  
  
It became a routine over the next month. They would meet at the boathouse on the cool crisp October mornings. They talked about her stories, they talked about his life. There was a girl he liked but she was resisting his charms. Dorian giggled and gave him advice on how to impress her. When the weather grew colder, they would meet in one of the unused classrooms to talk. Winter passed. The days started to grow warmer.  
  
Dorian stood by the classroom window. Sirius came up behind her. "I think we can venture out next Saturday," she said. "I miss the lake."  
  
"Next Saturday, Dorrie, let's pack a lunch and celebrate spring."  
  
Dorian turned to him. "Won't Demeter be angry? You've been seeing her for a few weeks now. She's not happy that you disappear every Saturday morning as it is."  
  
"I didn't tell you? We broke up yesterday. She started to get entirely too possessive. She even resented the time I spend with James, Remus and Peter." Dorian shook her head. Sirius liked the fact that Dorian never resented when he couldn't be there. It wasn't quite often, but those times when Remus' transformations took place on the weekends and he, James and Peter were too exhausted to do much more than sleep in, she never questioned him.  
  
"You need the time with your mates. Sometimes I wonder about the girls here. We're too young to get that involved. I'm going to wait until I've been published. There's so much to do yet." She was staring out the window. Sirius could see the longing in her eyes. Dorian wanted to experience so much and write about it. When her emotions were so close to the surface, like now, she was so exciting. She turned to Sirius. "I can't wait, Sirius. Just a few more months and it's time for me to test my wings!" Her breath was coming rapidly. Sirius couldn't stop what came next. He kissed her. He put his arms around her and kissed her. At first she was stunned. The feel of her lips on his was like water to a thirsty man. She responded like the heroine of her story. It was a little slice of heaven. The kiss deepened. Suddenly, she started to struggle in his arms. Dorian pushed Sirius away.  
  
"Dorian, why?"  
  
"I can't do this! I don't want this. How can you want me?"  
  
"Dorrie, it was beautiful. You are beautiful."  
  
"No I'm not! I look in my mirror everyday, Sirius. I know who is staring back at me."  
  
"Dorrie, it's not what you look like that attracts me."  
  
Dorian turned away. "Don't Sirius. What we have right now is special. Don't complicate things. I don't want to lose our friendship."  
  
"You won't, Dorrie." He placed a hand on her shoulder. She shook him off.  
  
"Oh yes I will." She turned back to Sirius. "Have you told anyone about our meetings?" Sirius couldn't look her in the eye. He hadn't even told James. "I thought not. Even if we took this further, you wouldn't tell your mates, would you? Don't bother to answer.  
  
"I like you very much, Sirius. I could very easily fall in love with you. The thing is, I know, right now you aren't for me. You're too young, appearance means too much to you. You better go. I think this better end. I want to remember the good times." There was nothing he could say.  
  
Spring came. Sirius and Dorian would still talk in the halls, still greet each other, but they never met on Saturday mornings again. May. June. Exams came and went. The Leaving Feast was over.  
  
The train was taking them back to King's Cross. Sirius was looking for Dorian. He needed to say good-bye. Dorian was coming down the corridor. She saw him and smiled.  
  
"Sirius," she said, "I was looking for you." Sirius grinned. "I wanted to say good bye."  
  
"So did I." Now that the time had come, neither could find the right words. Sirius took her hands in his. "Dorrie, you've been a good friend. I will miss you."  
  
"Me too," there were tears in her eyes. "I wish things could have been different."  
  
"So do I. You were right though. I have some wonderful memories to cherish. Take care of yourself, Dorrie."  
  
"You too." She kissed his cheek. His last glimpse of her was the wave she gave him as she left for the next car.  
  
There was a woman kneeling at the foot of Sirius' grave when Harry Potter showed up that morning. He kept his distance. He could see she was in grief. She held a white rose. She brought it to her lips, kissed it and laid it on the grave.  
  
"I want you to know," she said quietly to the headstone. "I never believed a word of it. When the news came to the States, I never believed you were capable of betraying James and Lily." She reached out and touched the name carved upon the stone.   
  
"I'm married now. Kevin is a wonderful man. He has a very high position in the magical law enforcement department in New York. He's good at what he does. He takes good care of me." There were tears in her voice. "He indulges my writing, but he never understood like you did. I love him very much. We have two boys.   
  
"Geoffrey is just like him. Tops in his class at our wizarding school. Riley reminds me of you. He's a bit of a rogue. But he has a good heart." She sat back on her heels. She wiped her eyes with the handkerchief she pulled from the sleeve of her cardigan.  
  
"I miss you. I've missed you everyday. I was wrong, Sirius. I should have taken that chance. I'm so sorry. I hope that you forgave me. I like to think you did." She stood, sighed then turned. Her eyes met Harry's.  
  
Harry walked up to her. "Did you know Sirius?"  
  
"A long time ago," she replied. Her eyes drifted up to his scar. "You're Harry Potter." She quickly looked back at him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you."  
  
"It's alright, really," Harry said. "Sirius was my godfather."  
  
"I know," there was an awkward silence. "I'm sorry for your loss."  
  
"Thank you. Where did you know him from?"  
  
"From school. He was my....friend. I'll leave you to it then." With a soft sigh of grief, Dorian left the cemetery. 


End file.
